A Collection of Random Thoughts

Many times throughout the writing and editing process, lines, thoughts and entire segments of stories wind up completely cut from the final product. In addition, there are one-liners and stand-alone observations that have no home in the body of an otherwise well-crafted story.

In the interest of minimizing the amount of digital waste on my hard drive, I’ve dredged through the edited clippings and reclaimed some of the more interesting ones to share with you:

• Paul, my brother-in-law, is much skinnier than I am. He neglected to bring a bathing suit when he and the family came to my house to go swimming. I had to tell him I couldn’t lend him one of mine because he’d be swimming in it.

• I woke up with a cleaning bug a few weeks ago. When my wife Debbie asked what I was doing upstairs for so long, I confessed that I had just cleaned the shit out of the bathroom.

• This past Earth Day I took inventory in my office: styrofoam cuppa joe, regular trash can full of paper, aerosol spray can and SUV keys. I better go hug a tree, PRONTO.

• I think Jerry Van Dyke's brother is a Dick.

• I never cut the cards because I don't like to play god. But somehow I have no problem shuffling.

• Observation from a Jew in the South: Between my house and my sister's: 9 churches, 1 mosque, zero synagogues. This explains why I didn't get a Seder invite. The Torah Belt this is not.

• Try as I might, I just can't wrap my head around why someone would go to great lengths to jump into an enclosed space with a real bear.

• Odd, isn’t it? As kids we couldn't wait for gym class; as adults we’d rather solve for x than go to the gym.

• The 9.5 oz. can of Edge shave gel says '35% MORE than 7 oz. size' - no duh! And lemme guess, a 6-pack of Coke is 600% the size of a single can?

• I frequently sweep the house. Not so much because it's dirty. I figure curling is my best shot at an Olympic medal and I need the practice.

• If I were any kitchen utensil, I'd be a Ginsu knife because I'm sharp, I'm cheap and most women laugh when they think of me in their drawers.

• Proof that my dog is smarter than me: I was fully outside in the pouring rain trying to coax her from the doorway. Standing at the door, she cocked her head and peed on the floor.

• My friend Jack is a press technician at the U.S. Mint. He goes to work to make money.

• I’m not a fan of the piñata. First, they now make them out of indestructible reinforced corrugated cardboard. Second, I recently witnessed 14 kids nearly kill each other for a few packs of Nerds. The birthday boy was crying.

• A broken hip is like a save-the-date card from death.

• Once the war is over and the economy bounces back I'm hoping they'll work on getting good pizza in Atlanta.

• Candles are the gift that says "I had no idea what to get you and I had THIS lying around the house."

• This morning I was moving 0 mph in a 65 mph zone. In most places this would be considered an obstruction. In Atlanta I was making good time.

• Howie Mandel was funnier when he had hair.

• The iPhone is definitely the single greatest gadget ever invented.

• Watching The Goonies on DVD with my kids reminded me how much better this movie is than so many best picture winners.

• If every song was written by John Hiatt there would be no bad music.

• I recently had to explain to a Starbucks barista that The Onion is satire. I gave him a dollar tip. He'll need it.

• A trip to Cold Stone Creamery never disappoints. Unlike that crap they try to pass off as sushi at Costco.

• If I could go back in time I'd use blue finger paint on the kindergarten picture my mom hung on the fridge. Red clashed with the wallpaper.

I hope you enjoyed a little break from the norm. I look forward to sharing more random thoughts in the future, but I'll have to write a bunch of real articles before I have enough to do this again.