A Collection of Random Thoughts

Many times throughout the writing and editing process, lines, thoughts and entire segments of stories wind up completely cut from the final product. In addition, there are one-liners and stand-alone observations that have no home in the body of an otherwise well-crafted story.

In the interest of minimizing the amount of digital waste on my hard drive, I’ve dredged through the edited clippings and reclaimed some of the more interesting ones to share with you:

• Paul, my brother-in-law, is much skinnier than I am. He neglected to bring a bathing suit when he and the family came to my house to go swimming. I had to tell him I couldn’t lend him one of mine because he’d be swimming in it.

• I woke up with a cleaning bug a few weeks ago. When my wife Debbie asked what I was doing upstairs for so long, I confessed that I had just cleaned the shit out of the bathroom.

• This past Earth Day I took inventory in my office: styrofoam cuppa joe, regular trash can full of paper, aerosol spray can and SUV keys. I better go hug a tree, PRONTO.

• I think Jerry Van Dyke's brother is a Dick.

• I never cut the cards because I don't like to play god. But somehow I have no problem shuffling.

• Observation from a Jew in the South: Between my house and my sister's: 9 churches, 1 mosque, zero synagogues. This explains why I didn't get a Seder invite. The Torah Belt this is not.

• Try as I might, I just can't wrap my head around why someone would go to great lengths to jump into an enclosed space with a real bear.

• Odd, isn’t it? As kids we couldn't wait for gym class; as adults we’d rather solve for x than go to the gym.

• The 9.5 oz. can of Edge shave gel says '35% MORE than 7 oz. size' - no duh! And lemme guess, a 6-pack of Coke is 600% the size of a single can?

• I frequently sweep the house. Not so much because it's dirty. I figure curling is my best shot at an Olympic medal and I need the practice.

• If I were any kitchen utensil, I'd be a Ginsu knife because I'm sharp, I'm cheap and most women laugh when they think of me in their drawers.

• Proof that my dog is smarter than me: I was fully outside in the pouring rain trying to coax her from the doorway. Standing at the door, she cocked her head and peed on the floor.

• My friend Jack is a press technician at the U.S. Mint. He goes to work to make money.

• I’m not a fan of the piñata. First, they now make them out of indestructible reinforced corrugated cardboard. Second, I recently witnessed 14 kids nearly kill each other for a few packs of Nerds. The birthday boy was crying.

• A broken hip is like a save-the-date card from death.

• Once the war is over and the economy bounces back I'm hoping they'll work on getting good pizza in Atlanta.

• Candles are the gift that says "I had no idea what to get you and I had THIS lying around the house."

• This morning I was moving 0 mph in a 65 mph zone. In most places this would be considered an obstruction. In Atlanta I was making good time.

• Howie Mandel was funnier when he had hair.

• The iPhone is definitely the single greatest gadget ever invented.

• Watching The Goonies on DVD with my kids reminded me how much better this movie is than so many best picture winners.

• If every song was written by John Hiatt there would be no bad music.

• I recently had to explain to a Starbucks barista that The Onion is satire. I gave him a dollar tip. He'll need it.

• A trip to Cold Stone Creamery never disappoints. Unlike that crap they try to pass off as sushi at Costco.

• If I could go back in time I'd use blue finger paint on the kindergarten picture my mom hung on the fridge. Red clashed with the wallpaper.

I hope you enjoyed a little break from the norm. I look forward to sharing more random thoughts in the future, but I'll have to write a bunch of real articles before I have enough to do this again.

Poll Dancing – The Modern Age of Politics in America

It’s beginning to make sense to me why you have to be 18 to vote. Before you can make an informed decision about who gets impeached next, you have to understand the intricacies of your favorite candidate’s sexual proclivities. Not surprisingly, 18 is the age of consent (unless you live in the South or the Midwest, or your last name is Spears, or you are a teenager that attends high school with similar-aged teenagers of the opposite – or same – sex). You’re also supposed to be 18 before you are allowed to see an adult movie, unless you’re famous, in which case you’re allowed to star in pornographic “private” home videos solely created to meet contract obligations with mass online video distributors.

For my money, it’s a relief that nobody under the age of 18 has any idea that the internet is nothing more than an all-you-can-eat buffet of anything and everything remotely sexual. And I’m not talking Sizzler here. This is the real deal. Fortunately children and teens only navigate to safe sites like Wikipedia, where little information is correct, but it’s a useful resource to do vital school research about the history of important historical and cultural subjects like the Jonas Brothers. Of course, Facebook has caught on, but that’s really just a diversion created by the online porn industry to keep you nearby.

Speaking of websites, some prominent Politicians have made recent news after visits to an entirely other league of “social networking” sites. Politicians have a long history of getting caught having torrid affairs and raising the ‘political bar’ (if you know what I mean). Case in point: New York’s recent former Governor, the sanctimonious “steamroller” of New York, Eliot Spitzer. It seems that Spitzer, when not bringing down major prostitution rings, was keeping others in business. Client #9, as he was affectionately known by Albany insiders, had a “thing” for a girl named Kristen, Ashley or Silda, depending upon who you asked and when. The difference is in the cost of their company and the basis of their relationship. Let’s compare:

• Silda – Cost: Free. Relationship: Lawfully wedded wife.
• Kristen/Ashley – Cost: Four hour/$5,000 minimum. Relationship: Who cares? I don’t know what she did for $5,000, but whatever it was she must be awfully good at it.

Client #9 experienced a profound error in judgment when he asked his friend Kristen to come over and play. A brief analysis of the situation would lead anyone to the conclusion that if you don’t want anyone, including your lawfully wedded wife Silda, to find out about Kristen, this transaction is best handled with cash. It’s easy to fly under the radar with a random $30 charge on the old AmEx, but $5,000 is a bit of an eyebrow raiser – especially when the charge is for Ralph’s House of Escorts and Lawn Maintenance. Is it possible that New York’s former Attorney General and recent Governor was so sex-addled that he forgot he wasn’t supposed to tell his wife about the great hooker he just hired? “She looks just like our daughter, honey! She reminded me of home and how much I love my family.”

Spitzer resigned his post immediately after the media spit out his bones (Ha!). Lieutenant Governor David Paterson was immediately sworn in, declaring he had a “clear vision for the future.” Seemingly for comedic purpose, Paterson is legally blind. In any case, he almost beat himself to the podium when he declared, not ten seconds later, that he had cheated on his wife – at a Harlem Days Inn that charged by the hour. It wasn’t quite the Mayflower Hotel, like in Spitzer’s case, but then it probably doesn’t really matter to a guy who can’t see the room.

Nevertheless, sex scandals and politics have gone hand-in-hand since the dawn of time. Among the legions of political heroes involved in such scandalous activities, these few best illustrate the ones that rocked the world one bed at a time:

Bill Clinton, President of the United States
Clinton’s presidential ‘inkwell’ spilled over on an overzealous intern named Monica Lewinsky who had a thing for powerful guys who resemble W.C. Fields, blue dresses made from materials that would make Rosie from the Bounty commercials hang her head in shame, and Churchill length Cohibas that Fidel Castro himself later requested back in a hand-written letter to Clinton.

John F. Kennedy, President of the United States
Political analysts attribute Kennedy’s overwhelming 1960 victory to being widely recognized by people who passed through one of New York’s major air travel hubs. It’s a little-known fact that prior to entering politics Kennedy worked as a shoeshine boy at LaGuardia Airport, which back then was known as Fiorello’s Discount Air Strip and Vaudeville Palace. Kennedy became enthralled with a local Vaudevillian performer then known as Norma Rae, saw her skyrocket to worldwide fame and made it his life’s work to bed down with Marilyn Monroe.

George Washington, President of the United States
Now this guy had a reputation for sleeping around. Anyone who has visited a location on the continent of North America has come across a sign bearing the words “George Washington slept here.” One natural question that has been asked a thousand times is, “Where are all the ‘James Buchanan Slept Here’ signs?” Well, my investigation is over. I’m happy to report that Buchanan, who was the only president that was single, has shingles hanging all over San Francisco, Miami and the East Village. Draw your own conclusions.

Carmen Kontur-Gronquist, Mayor of Arlington, Washington
When your mayoral duties involve updating your Myspace profile, you’re likely to get young voters to the polls. Turning to the internet for information, male voters far and wide came across photos of the candidate on her Myspace profile page wearing nothing but her bra and panties. Debate tickets sold out faster than a Beatles reunion concert, although there is no record of exactly what was debated, where she stood on the issues or whether or not her opponent even showed up.

Richard Nixon, President of the United States
Surprisingly, Nixon – who was involved in the biggest hotel-related political scandal in history – somehow couldn’t manage to shoehorn sex into the story.

In an effort to be as fair as possible, I’d like to offer this list of politicians who have never had anything to do with sex scandals: