Waffle House

If you've driven through the South, you may have noticed that there is a Waffle House on virtually every corner. In suburban Atlanta alone, statistics show that there are more Waffle Houses than street lights.

I've never actually BEEN to a Waffle House, but I've seen more of them in the past two weeks than I saw snowflakes in the New York blizzard of '96. Now, I don't have anything against waffles; I rather enjoy a good waffle every now and then. I do, however, have something against gritty-looking, dingy, roadside roach motels that serve what some stereotypically classify as "food," and whose wait staff (I'm arbitrarily going out on a limb here) generally have more nipples than they have teeth.

Though I've tried my hardest to sway them, my kids are dying to go to a Waffle House. We have other options here, including IHOP, Denny's and Cracker Barrell (another place I've never been, but only heard good things about. Future blog entry, I'm sure), so why would we choose the grittiness of such an apparent roadside hazard whose food, and I'm guessing at this point, would probably cause me to experience the equivalent of labor pains? I'm just not sure I want to dine anywhere that requires me to kick off the gastronomic experience with a Maalox aperitif.

What's worse is that there are so many of these restaurants (term used loosely) here that the kids have actually started counting how many they see. This is not a good thing. I now have to listen to someone scream "WAFFLE HOUSE!!!!" every time we need to run to the market.

While I'm on the subject, I have a bone to pick... Was every Waffle House built in 1972? You look inside and it's like a scene out of Kubrick's 'A Clockwork Orange.' Big paper globe lights of every size, grease stains on the walls, polyester-clad wait staff. How did a chain of low-end eateries become so ubiquitous with that kind of decor? And, hey... has anyone ever heard the term 'corporate logo'???? I mean, it's one thing to have a single store and a low budget, but when you have 35,000 locations within a 10-square-mile area, I think you can afford to throw a few bucks at a design student for something more than non-descript letters on individual square backgrounds that Vanna White herself would be proud to turn. I've even heard that some Waffle Houses have Wi-Fi access!

I realize I'm new to the area, and that some of the local establishments in my old neck of the woods may have seemed questionable (The Shack, anyone?), but I'm pretty sure I won't be hitting a Waffle House anytime soon. Unless I can get the kids to agree to count something else. I know where there are a few Hooters around here.